Friday, January 19, 2007

Weather weather go away

Here it is just after 4:30 in the morning and I am up. My body woke me up with pain about 1/2 hour ago and I knew it was raining again without even looking out the window. I was determined I was going to get out of bed without waking Keith up as he has been working almost around the clock at work once again. Took me half an hour but I succeeded.

I took my first day of training yesterday and I don't know if I will be able to make it for the 2nd day. It's 6 hours of sitting on a very uncomfortable chair and even though they allow all of us to freely move around in the classroom it wasn't enough for me so by the time Keith picked me up at the end I had to hit the narcotics to tone it down.

We talked about how we will teach new clients about the stage of anger/frustration/fear and I was very honest with them with the fact that right now those three words are just one for me. I am angry asking myself why me all the time. I am frustrated that half of my week I am not even able to get dressed or climb in the shower without Keith's help. Even though rationally that would never happen in this lifetime, I fear that Keith will leave telling me that he has had enough of looking after me. I tell him this and he keeps telling me that I put up with him during what he calls his idiot years that it is his turn. I know this on good pain days but you can't convince me of this on bad pain days.

And lately the bad pain days overrun any good. I get frustrated cause I have to ask someone to explain to me again how to program my vcr to record something. I get frustrated cause I have to talk to my son in AB to explain to me once again how to do something on the computer when I just asked him the same stupid question three days before. I told him the other day I don't know which causes me more stress, not asking him cause I don't want him to say Mum I just told you how to do that a couple of days ago and so I sit here without doing what it is I am trying to do, or I bite my tongue and ask him then feel like a stupid idiot cause as soon as he tells me I remember. He just smiled and said it's ok Mum

I am mostly impatient with myself these days. I want to be so busy I want do so many things. Someone the other day said well maybe you just need to pray more. I said I don't want to pray more I want to go somewhere and scream my head off.

So I guess I would have to say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worse day with my patience goal for my 21 day challenge and 1 being a very good day I would have to put myself at a 9. Part of me knows I will probably have to cancel this 2nd day of training and I am impatient with myself with this weather that is causing all this.


Carmen said...

HUGS my friend!! I am beyond amazed at all the things you DO accomplish on a day to day basis. I dont' know how you do it! So while YOU are frustrated with yourself, WE are extremely grateful for all that you do and all that you can do!!

Mary Siever said...


Chronic pain is something that people who haven't experienced, cannot truly relate to. You are a heroine for being so strong through all of it. I am sorry, I had to laugh when you said dad said you stayed by him in all his "idiot years". Was he saying these are your idiot years? lol They aren't of course! Dad is a strength and I know it is good for him to be so helpful to you too. You do SO much for DEALING with so much. I know you are frustrated, but I can promise you that Heavenly Father doesn't see you doing so little. He knows what you do and you will be rewarded.

I know there are up days and down days, but each day is leading you closer to home. And remember this too. Christ did not just suffer for our sins and wrongs, He suffered and knows our pains, frustrations and disappointments. Each one. If there is one Being who knows in detail what you deal with, it is Him. He is there for you and He will lift you up and give you strength.

Oh and don't worry, Kim has to explain everything to me all the time too, he doesn't mind you asking it again :) Remember this, you raised HIM in all his (ok I won't say idiot, I am sure he wasn't an idiot as a teenager) teenage years. And you were patient with his shortcomings and foibles. And when you forget things, that's ok! It really is. Look on the bright side. YOU have an excuse. Most of us don't when we forget things....and oh that happesn often enough.