Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Frustration and the man on the moon

So I went to see my Rheumatologist yesterday 2 months before my scheduled checkup as I have been in a lot of pain. He checked things out and we went through different options. I asked him if what I was going through was normal. He said FM is anything but normal. It's not a normal disease with normal problems. Not what I wanted to hear. He checked me out and said "You really are wired huh?" DUH!! Why do you think I am here?

He is sending me for a bunch of lab work to make sure everything is fine that way and gave me a choice of 2 new drugs. One I would have to go off of the one I am on now and I would have to wean myself off of it first. We tried that before with drastic negative results. So what we are going to do is go on the one medication for a few weeks, see if it works, and if it does then start weaning myself off the other one. Hopefully that will help and I won't go in such withdrawals.

I said you know it really ticks me off that man can have resources to fly to the moon and yet can't develop a drug or find a cure for something here on earth. I told him I have done everything I know to do to ease this, I lost 150 pounds, I don't eat white stuff when I can help it, I eat fruits, grains lots of veggies, I walk everyday, I work out every day and still I am not better. My sleep in interrupted and I spend my nights going from the bed to the couch to the recliner then back again.

UGH!!!! He did give me a name of a herbal product that I can try for the memory loss so will go and check it out. It is soooooo frustrating! I still believe very strongly that all this comes from the spraying of our farms with DDT when I was growing up! They stopped using the chemical after a few years but by then it was too late. It was in our food, in our water, in our animals and fish. But how do you prove it??

Oh well back to the drawing board I guess. I am going to continue working on my frustration levels though even though the 21 days are gone. Obviously I still have issues to work on. I am putting on a family history fair on March 10th and I have been on someone's case to get the building booked for a month now. A few minutes ago I got a phone call saying oh the building is booked and the earliest date is April 28th!!!! What is the point of delegating if people don't do what they are asked when they are supposed to!!! The building was free when I checked for dates a month ago!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Better Days

Well I have done much better in the last half of my 21 day challenge on patience then I did at the beginning. I have been doing some meditating and different stretching exercises which has helped with the pain which of course makes me feel a whole lot better. It is bright and sunny today supposedly staying like this for next 2 weeks!! YEAAA!!

We leave in the morning for Lethbridge to visit with Kim, Mary and the children for a few days so am excited about that! I am putting together a huge family history fair in March so have been looking for instructors on different classes I want to hold. Hopefully we will get a great turnout. I find when I am busy I think less of how much I am hurting and it keeps my brain busy which is always a good thing.

I also am working on getting this last 10 pounds off that I have been working on for the last 11 months. I don't know if it's my body's way of saying no this is my get real weight or if I need to step up on the exercises more but it sure is determined to hang around my butt let me tell you!

I have this skinny fushia colored vertical line on my screen and when I called the company yesterday they said I had to package it up, ship it there (wherever that was) which would take 7-10 days and then same amount of time coming back and then whatever it took for it to be fixed there. I thought that could be like 3 weeks with no computer??? I don't think so! I think I will put up with my line for now. I am not prepared to go 3 weeks with no monitor!

That's about it for now for me. I probably won't have time to post again before we get back on Sunday. My youngest brother and his family fly in on Sunday for an overnight stay so that will be exciting to see them!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Family History

First of all I need to mention that I did make it out to the 2nd day of training but didn't last the whole day. I pushed myself to go and I learnt a lot but by 1PM I was in too much pain to focus on the instructor and at break told him I needed to go. I should have left before hand but too stubborn I guess. I can make up the missed portion when he does the seminar again in March. I will miss day 3 this week as we will be in Lethbridge for a granddaughter's baptism so will do the day and a half when I get back.

As a new Family History Consultant worker, I have been fine tuning my genealogy this week, spending time entering new information in my computer program and filing stacked paperwork out of the basket and in the proper folders. I learnt 2 things this week that I was not happy about. First one was finding out my mother's maiden name is not that at all. Well it is technically but when the family first came to Canada there were given a new name by the English that met the ships coming from Europe. Why I have no idea. She couldn't remember if it was because too many people already had that name or they couldn't pronounce it or what. It blew me away. She said she thought she had told me that before. Uh no Mom I am pretty sure I would remember you telling me that was not my name!! She couldn't remember what her name used to be but would try and find out.

The other thing I found out was that as I was getting names together to take to the temple this week to get them temple ready I was working on my maternal grandmother's. I printed the info off the PAF file but the name was marked off as already done!!! I printed it off to look at it and sure enough someone in Lethbridge AB had submitted her name. At first I thought I must have left her info with Kim last time I was there and he thought I wanted him to get it done but when I asked him he said no even though the person comes from his town.

This was very disheartening. Keith said well isn't the most important thing the fact that she has been done by someone? I said well yes maybe in my head but seeing as how my head and my heart are rarely on the same page it made me very sad. Our oldest granddaughter is 12 and going on her first youth baptism trip in a couple of months and she had been quite excited in doing her baptism.

On the upswing Keith has been working on his pedigree line for the last 2 weeks. Last night he kept asking me a bunch of questions on dates and spelling etc and of course it was right in the middle of something I was engrossed in watching on tv. After like the millionth question I finally asked what he was doing. He said working on his pedigree line. I said well why are you redoing it when Kim has a big chunk done and I have a big chunk done why don't you just "copy and paste" sort of thing? He said cause that means you guys are #1 on yours and I am another number and I want to be #1. Oh brother!!!!!

Competition between his sons, son in law and him are so childish sometimes but funny to watch :) Curt and Lareta got a new coffee table last week and of course it had to have been the exact one Keith had been eyeing for ages lol. He is not going to be happy!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Weather weather go away

Here it is just after 4:30 in the morning and I am up. My body woke me up with pain about 1/2 hour ago and I knew it was raining again without even looking out the window. I was determined I was going to get out of bed without waking Keith up as he has been working almost around the clock at work once again. Took me half an hour but I succeeded.

I took my first day of training yesterday and I don't know if I will be able to make it for the 2nd day. It's 6 hours of sitting on a very uncomfortable chair and even though they allow all of us to freely move around in the classroom it wasn't enough for me so by the time Keith picked me up at the end I had to hit the narcotics to tone it down.

We talked about how we will teach new clients about the stage of anger/frustration/fear and I was very honest with them with the fact that right now those three words are just one for me. I am angry asking myself why me all the time. I am frustrated that half of my week I am not even able to get dressed or climb in the shower without Keith's help. Even though rationally that would never happen in this lifetime, I fear that Keith will leave telling me that he has had enough of looking after me. I tell him this and he keeps telling me that I put up with him during what he calls his idiot years that it is his turn. I know this on good pain days but you can't convince me of this on bad pain days.

And lately the bad pain days overrun any good. I get frustrated cause I have to ask someone to explain to me again how to program my vcr to record something. I get frustrated cause I have to talk to my son in AB to explain to me once again how to do something on the computer when I just asked him the same stupid question three days before. I told him the other day I don't know which causes me more stress, not asking him cause I don't want him to say Mum I just told you how to do that a couple of days ago and so I sit here without doing what it is I am trying to do, or I bite my tongue and ask him then feel like a stupid idiot cause as soon as he tells me I remember. He just smiled and said it's ok Mum

I am mostly impatient with myself these days. I want to be so busy I want do so many things. Someone the other day said well maybe you just need to pray more. I said I don't want to pray more I want to go somewhere and scream my head off.

So I guess I would have to say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worse day with my patience goal for my 21 day challenge and 1 being a very good day I would have to put myself at a 9. Part of me knows I will probably have to cancel this 2nd day of training and I am impatient with myself with this weather that is causing all this.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

and the frustration continues

So now it is my computer that is driving me around the bend. I now have a vertical very skinny PURPLE line about a third of the way on my screen. Why you may ask? I have no idea but it drives me crazy. As well half the time I can't get my windows (programs) to open fully. If I want my mail to open I will get the middle part of the window but not the borders where of course all the icons and menus are for tasks in my mail. I have to move the mouse cursor along till I see the word and then click on that.

Or else I will get the borders but the middle part will show whatever is on my desktop image at that moment. UGHHHH!! I then have to shut everything down and completely shut the computer off. Then after I leave it for half hour or so and reboot it will work for a few hours then starts up again. I have been working on my genealogy and it is so frustrating to be right in the middle of something and have to shut it all down!!

I have checked and rechecked for viruses but nothing there. Keith is swamped at work so isn't home long enough to do more then nap before he heads out again so doens't have time right now to work on it. Any suggestions out there?

I started my training at a family history centre yesterday now that I am a bonafide consultant. It was great that I had access to free ancestry. com where as now you have to pay at home to belong. Cool perk.

Today and tomorrow I start my training to becomes a facilitator for University of Victoria. It's today and tomorrow for this week. It will allow me to teach 6 week long workshops for people living with chronic pain and those who are their caregivers. I sure can walk the walk let me tell you. I can tell you all sorts of things about living with chronic pain.

Well I see it is snowing once again like crazy so I better get off of here and get going. Had I opened my blinds before now I would have seen that and would have left already to give myself enough time to do my little jog dances as I slip and slide all the way to the bus stop.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Day 6

Good thing there isn't any chocolate in the house or I would have been chomping on that all that. I have no idea what was wrong with me. I was supposed to take Keith to work this morning so I could have the Jeep to run errands and get a parcel at the bus station. But I had a bad night so wasn't able to get up with him. I got up and went back to bed three times today! I hate it when I get like this :( Then he had to work late :( I thought he was done. I really wanting him to go shopping with me to get birthday presents all week but he was too busy. So we go today as he has a 1/2 break and we go dashing to the store and dashed through the store and I hated it. Off he goes back to work to be back by 5:30 but doesn't get back till past 7:30. I was not a patient person at that time and I had no nerve left.

I was so frustrated I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and cut my hair very short!!! All by myself. Have no idea what the back looks like but the front half of me looks pretty good. Didn't get rid of my frustrated levels or impatience ;(

I missed 2 completely different training sessions this week because of this snow and that frustrates me!! It's just snow for pete's sake!! So I start my first shift at the genealogical centre next Wednesday with no training whatsoever. Good thing I have memorized my manual let me tell you. Well it is 1:45 am so am going to attempt to go to bed and see if I can stay in there this time. Nite all

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Day 5

Today was a good day... I really shouldn't post on how patient I have been until at least the day is over lol but I figured I better do it now while I am in a good mood :) A very good friend sent me this today from (Thanks Sara) and it made me chuckle

"I have no regrets about anything. Every decision I have made in my life has ended up being a
good one even if at the time it was not. I learned from my mistakes and did not pine away my future by beating myself up over past mistakes. None of us are perfect and the sooner we understand this and quit punishing ourselves for this lack of perfection the better off we will all be. Perfectionism keeps us stuck in the past so we are unable to function in the present. Let's take that perfectionism bat your are beating yourself up with on a daily basis and use it to hit home runs. Each time you see perfectionism throwing you a curve ball; turn it around and hit it back to where it belongs; Out of sight and out of mind! Perfectionism is the Body Clutter we all have to face."

Now where did I put that bat????

I got the privilege of having our 3 year old granddaughter today. Yesterday Mommy took over 3 hours to get home from work and this little munchkin HATES to be in the carseat for more then a couple of minutes so it was not a pleasant drive home. I offered to take her so if traffic was bad again our DIL at least was able to do it without too much hassles

So this morning we got all bundled up and dug out the tobaggan and went to go visit her auntie and cousin. Then after a bit they got all dressed up and we all went for a long walk. Who would have thought that a 3 year old and a 2 year old would have weighed soooooo much?? I am sure I won't have to worry about that excess skin hanging from my underarms anymore as I sure built up my triceps and biceps hauling them around through the snow.

But now I hurt like heck from back spasms and Papa just got home so I am going to take some pain killers and go for a nap! I put a selection of small goals on the fridge door to work on while working on my patience levels. One of them was to be patient with Keith at dinner time when my nerves are shot and he asks me if dinner is ready. So now every day at dinner time Keith comes up to me and gently asks if I still have one nerve left lolol. I guess he thinks as long as I have one left it's ok to ask if dinner is ready :)

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Day 3 and 4

I have to post 2 days worth as we had no power yesterday. Well actually we had partial power if you can figure that one out. We had electricity but no cable, tv, internet and phone only part of the time. No wonder the pioneers went to bed right after dinner!!! Yesterday and today have been easier days for my patience levels. But I cheated I must add. Yesterday I sewed most of the day and today I ironed. Two things that have a very calming effect on me. Weird I know. I mean who in their right minds loves to iron clothes??

We are in the middle of a big snow storm right now. We got hit with a storm late yesterday afternoon. In a matter of 10 minutes we had thunder, hail, sleet, pounding rain then thick snow. We woke up this morning to heavy snowfall and now at 3pm it is knee high outside. The houses across the street last night lost their power and as I was cleaning up from making Keith's lunch late in the evening I could see that there weren't even candles on in the homes. I knew people were home. I just kept shaking my head telling myself I am NOT going to go over AGAIN with candles and supplies for my neighbors. I mean how much are you supposed to help your fellow man until they get the picture to get their lives in order?

We have been warned and forewarned to get our emergency kits in gear and ready. And yet now with our 14th storm in 5 weeks, people still are not prepared. At our last big storm we went out and helped our neighbors and some of them had flashlights but no batteries, some had candles but no matches or lighters. None had extra water just what would have come out of their taps. Which would have been fine but we were on boil water advisory so that was useless and there was no water to be bought in the stores.

We have been warned of this impending storm for 3 days now and on the noon news they showed service stations with cars lined up to get storm tired on. HELLO people!!! Were you not listening? We have had our kits done for over 25 years and the first weekend of April and October we pull them out, go through them, change our clothing for the season, put "fresh" food and water in them, change the batteries etc etc.

Hmmm I guess I am not quite so patient at the moment as I thought I was hehehehe. To me, waiting to be rescued by someone else during an emergency is akin to ostrich sticking their heads in the sand.... if I don't think about it then it won't happen to me. I still would like to know when do you stop helping and let people stand on their own two feet? If I stop helping does that mean I can no longer be a Good Samaritan? Does that make me a bad person?

Well my dryer is beeping at me letting me know it's time to go change laundry loads. Maybe I better get to doing some more ironing in case a neighbor comes over to borrow something and I can cheerly hand it over rather then take their head off :)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Exercise in Futility

Note to self: Never go shopping for new pants 2 days after telling the world you are going to work on your patience!! I decided I must go out and look for a new pair of dress pants. I have one pair that really don't fit well and need another pair. I would even be happy with casual dress. But pair after pair after store after store no luck. Who in their right mind decided that pants belong down past the crack of women's butts???? Obviously some man! I can not imagine any woman designer deciding that would be beneficial to anyone.

When I found pants long enough they barely covered my butt. I wear a size 12 and I tried pants from size 10-16 and everything was either too big or too small or too young looking or too short. I have the misfortune of having my hig bone and my waist at EXACTLY the same spot. I know I know can't be done.. trust me .,.. they are... so even if the tag on the pants say mid-rise (which is still too low in my opinion) they still rode too low. The second I sit in them they crawl down!

The average dimension is 4" between top of hips and waist line. Mine is 0". People never believe me till I show them. The outside of my legs is 42" long. Not easy to find pants let alone jeans which is why I have one of each only and wear the same thing.... ARGGGGG frustration!! No patience today... I think I will go find a piece of chocolate something then have a nap.. that should make me feel better.

Will work on the patience again after those two things get accomplished!

Sunday, January 07, 2007


Well I am starting my 21 day challenge today. In Relief Society today, we talked about goals. I said that normally I have tons of them to work on but this year it is singly one thing I am working on. And that is to remember that I need patience when dealing with others. I need to understand not everyone is OCD and that not everyone does things at my speed. And that's ok... that is not where they are in this point of their life. But I am .... which is why I need to let things go. Like my release as Primary President. I have never reacted to a release like I did in the Bishop's office. I knew deep in my core of my heart that he was wrong with it but many prayers later I realized that it's not place to object to the Lord of where He wants me to go serve. I am still very sad at my release but I am working my patience in knowing that maybe just this once Heavenly Father knows me best and knows where my talents will be put to use in better places. I want to work on my cover page so it looks so much better. I am trying to get my web design person over to help me so I can do so much more but he is being stubborn! :) I will keep you posted on how my 21 day challenge is going. I would love some feedback on how am I doing on my posts :)