Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Remembrance and bad stuff

I have been watching the Discovery channel lately (got hooked on it when I was at my moms this summer) and have been watching all these natural disasters that have occurred.. and lately they have been many. As I have been reading the scriptures and for all the years I have read them I know that evil will multiply and be more rampant on earth. I have read many times that the Lord's anger will be released because the people just will not live His life and what He has commanded us to do.

But then I see the suffering of the people that have been caught in hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, floods.. all in the last little bit of time.. a lot of innocent people have given up their lives. I just think of the thousands who lost their lives during 9/11. God could not have meant to have innocent people die?

When my father died, his youngest sister was "volunteered" to come talk to me. I was grieving just like everyone else was but it seemed to the others that I was grieving differently so she came and asked me why God would do this to him? He had finally stopped drinking, becoming a half way human being, changing his life and for what? A cancer that took his life in a year and a half. She kept going on about it was all God's fault and how many evil people were out there and why didn't He get them rather then someone who was working so hard.

I tried explaining to her that God doesn't go around and say ok so and so is gone or that country needs a wake up call let's send them a hurricane. I told her that we have all been counciled since the beginning of time in the Bible to get our acts together, to follow the 10 commandments and the Golden Rule. And have we as a people? Nope not even close.

I told her the reason that I "seemed" different then the others was because I truly believed that we were a family for all time and eternity not just till someone died. I told her about the plan of salvation and how we were given the choice of following Satan or Christ in our previous life. I told her by us coming here means we chose to follow Christ. We also knew to a degree what our lives were going to be like and we said no problem. I can handle it. But with the pain and sorrow comes joy. I told her I would see my dad again one day.

These last couple of months I have been really struggling with my sanity and my spirituality. My head and heart haven't been on the same page lately and that has discombobulated me. When it is in the middle of the night and I can't sleep I think of my Dad and my sister and ask God why? Why them and not the evil people like my aunt asked. Yes my head knows that I will be with them once again but my heart is human and I ask Him again and again.

I think of our daughter and son in law who have struggled this year. Far more then any family should have to deal with. I know they are doing every thing as right as they possibly can so then why? Did He let the blood clots form in Curt's lungs? Did he cause her to lose not one but 2 babies this year? Why? Why do bad things still happen? Is it to make us grow more? Learn more? What are we missing? Why do some people seem to get more then their fair share of struggle? I think of that poem Footsteps In The Sand and the last line where Christ says "In the sand where their is only one set of footprints, they are not yours walking alone, they are mine carrying you." So then why is it then that at times it doesn't feel like you are being carried?

How do you answer your child when they hurt so much? How do you tell them you don't know why all this is happening? I read in a book the other day that said God always answers our prayers but our minds are usually too busy with other things that we don't hear the answers. I can vouch for that. Many times late at night I am saying my prayers and then find myself reminding myself to get some meat out for the next day's dinner or some other idiot thing.

A mom is supposed to kiss all owies better. How do I fix this? I grew up listening to my mom and the other women saying bad things come in threes/ I live my life waiting for the "third" thing all the time. I know that is wrong. I love life too much to do that. But at nights like tonight when it is 3:30 in the morning my heart isn't on the same page as my head and I miss my sister and my dad and I grieve for the grandchildren that God called back to live with him before their parents could hold them.

If I had only known
It was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood beside me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me
I would look into your eyes
And make sure you know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
If I had only known
The love I would've shown
If I had only known