Shoe Fairy

Dear Shoe Fairy

I know you haven't seen me for awhile and I thought I should explain it to you ...I should be brave and do it face to face but i know what would happen.. your soft velveey voice gets calling me from outside a mall saying Salllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyy where are you.....,,And you keep on saying it over and over in that hypnotic voice of yours until I walk trying on trazillion pairs of shoes.

Let me explain...awhile back, Keith and I sat down and talked for a very long time about what we could do to get some funds back into our banks ..it was a sad state of affairs when we woke up one day to find out that we were now middle aged.. and we needed to get funds into our retirement fund as well as padding up our savings accout
As our mission for 2011 is to NOT buy anything new but socks underwear and bare necessity groceries and that is it. Period. So I have stayed away because I have no restraint when it came to shoes...But I know you have been working extra hard at getting to me but although I have you up on a high pedestal, cause you know you rank right up there with tooth fairies, Easter Bunny and the Man himself Santa Clause....I have had to stay away to keep my resolve.

But I wanted to let you know that I think of you every single day..I miss you dear Shoe Fairy but I will be strong as resisting you as I can so farewell till now and I will see you January 2st 2012!!!!!!

Deletion

I have been deleting my in-box for 3 days now, deleting mail that I have no idea why I saved them in the first place, others the information was now obsolete, moved some from my in-box to their proper folders .... just mindless work while I watched tv late at night.. then all of a sudden I came across an email from my Aunt Inez who passed away from her cancer about 2 years ago. We talked on the phone so many times when I was first diagnosed before I told my mom. She was my surrogate mom as I bounced ideas off of her on how to tell my mom that her 2nd daughter had been diagnosed...we spent many hours talking both on the phone and through emails...she even called me early the morning I was leaving for my mom's to give me some more moral support.. telling me she loved me and that everything would be all right. ...we talked about her cancer and how she had made the decision to not do any more.... that she was tired of fighting... but she told me that I needed to fight this with every breath I had to not ever give up that I was made from a different cloth then the others. ..She told me she loved me one more time as I had to leave for the airport...that was the last time I spoke with her on the phone... and tonight as I re-read her words..the tears slid down my face as I remember her love and her no nonsense words...It was only after she passed away that I realized she was only 12 years older then I am...not old at all...much too young to have passed before her time... In the words she spoke about my only sister Adele that passed away from her cancer....she is in a better place without any pain and is watching your every move and will be there to protect you....Auntie Inez I know you are in a better place without any pain and I know you are watching your family as well....needless to say this is one email that won't be deleted

Sad News Good News

well good news/sad news...sad news I didn't get the position at the CBCF that I had gone for BUT the good news is after meeting with me this week they were so impressed with my organizational and managerial skills ( I did say it was a 90 minute interview right?) they wanted to offer me a completely different one!!!! I have the opportunity to work with this project and set the template so that it can be used Canada wide!! AND the event is in May NOT October which should make my executive committee feel a whole let better :) I am pumped!!

Grown Children

When you have children there is something you should know,a very confusing thing that they don't tell you. You see so much of yourself in them, you see your ironic take of the world, you see your smile, your walk, your sense of humour, and you think they're you. But they're not you and they shouldn't have all of your baggage, your fears, you insecurities and your life experiences because that's not fair. They should have their own. I am so proud and so impressed and so in awe of them. I just want them to go out there in the world and fly.. they can fly..

You can be a parent and you can be mom and dad..there is a difference but as parents we don't/can't always tell the difference. My mother in law told me when my children were teenagers and driving me crazy that to appreciate them because I would be more stressed when they moved out but at the time I couldn't see it. Now I do.. I worry a lot more now. Before I worried about whether my daughter would be asked on a date, I worried about a son passing a big test, I worried when they missed curfew, I worried when they had a fever. But I knew where they were at night, I knew they had a safe roof overhead, at home I knew they had enough to eat, they were safe. Now I don't know this.

At times I see them make the same mistakes we did and I want to shake them and say SNAP OUT OF IT! We did that, been there, not going back there again because the end result is not a good thing but I see them making the mistakes anyway. And you can't do a single thing about it. That is when the parent part is supposed to kick in. But I am not sure how to do that. As a parent you need to let your children fly and watch them from afar. But as a mom and dad, or let me rephrase it, as a mom I don't know how to let them go. That part was never in any instruction manual I got when I first had a child. Oh wait there was no manual. Maybe that is why I have the problems now.

Now I worry about whether or not they have enough money to look after themselves; I worry about whether or not they have enough food for their children; I worry if when I ask them if everything is ok and they say yes if they are just telling me that; I worry that they WON'T ask us for help and try and do it on their own.

Why I do what I do and why I love it

In each family there is one who is called to find the ancestors. They put flesh on their bones and make them live again to tell the family story, and to know that somehow they know and approve. Doing genealogy is not just gathering facts but breathing life into all whom have gone before.

We are the story tellers of the tribe. All tribes have one. We have been called by our genes. Those who have gone before cry out to us: “tell our story.” So we do. And in finding them we somehow find ourselves. How many graves have I stood before and felt at home? I have lost count. How many times have I told my ancestors, “you have a wonderful family; you would be proud of us.”? How many times have I walked up to a grave and felt somehow there was love there for me? I sense “the old ones” give birth or marry or die and I do not feel afraid – they become real because they were real.

Genealogy goes to who I am and why do I do what I do. It goes to seeing a cemetery about to be lost forever to weeds and indifference, and saying “I won’t let this happen.” The bones here are my bones and the flesh is my flesh. It goes to doing something about it. It goes to pride in what our ancestors accomplished – they succeeded and failed; they struggled; they survived. How often have I heard hammer ring on anvil and armor and tackle rattle in the dark – not once have I been afraid.

It goes to respect to what they were, who they were; their hardships; their losses; their never giving in or giving up, their will to go on and build a life for us. It goes to deep pride – they fought to make and keep us what we are – the best of us at least. It goes to a deep understanding that they were doing it all for us -- that we might be born and be who we are; that we might remember them. And so we do – with love and gratitude and pride – recording each fact of their existence because we are them and they are us.

So as a scribe, I tell the story of my family. It is up to the one called in each generation to answer the call. I had no choice. It was merely inevitable. And so I took my place in a long line of family storytellers. That is why I do family history, and that is what compelled me to do it. I know others will be called in turn to stop, reflect and restore flesh to bone; life to those at rest...until then..it is my turn and I gladly take my place with those who have gone before me.

Shopping vs Saving

This past year has been a year of ups and downs. We had been caught up in credit card debt when Keith lost his extended health benefits at work so had been using it for my treatments but finally stopped that. In the spring we had finally managed to pay off all our debt. Not a penny was owed. But it really emptied out our savings etc. Then Keith got hurt at work and has been off since the fall. Although he is getting Compensation it isn't the same amount as his wage so belt tightening came into effect. Then just before Christmas we got hit with a $2000.00 bill thanks to the RCMP and ICBC which put us in the hole.

So after much discussion between us and after reading a post from one of my sons of an article he had found somewhere we have decided to not buy a single new thing for one year other then groceries and gas for the car obviously. The only item of new in regards to clothing is underwear.

Which means no eating out.
No movie night out
No "let's go check this out"

The only exception to the rule will be our grandchildrens' birthdays.This will be in effect until the end of this year at Christmas.

This will by far the hardest thing we will have to do since we said goodbye to our children when they have moved away. But we took our TV away for an entire year when our children were younger and we all survived then I am sure we will survive again.

Our thinking is Keith is 57 years old, we no longer have anything in our savings for retirement, if we get hit with another emergency we will be in trouble. So it will be a year of gritting our teeth, of being the bad guy when one of us wants something and will be interesting to say the least.

Wish us luck :)I want to check out the Surrey area and see if anyone else is doing this so we can do a support group

2010 in Review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
I planned my mother's 80th birthday

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
I rarely make NY resolutions but this year I have made 2: let go of the little things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of things and continue on last year's resolution of being more patient as I obviously did not get it right yet

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes one of our sons and daughters in law to Conall

4. Did anyone close to you die?
our 10 year old cat died a couple of days ago

5. What countries did you visit?
stayed close to home this year

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
a home business that makes money

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Msy 21st. It was my mom's 80th birthday. She had never had a birthday party in her life and we were able to bring in some of her cousins from all over Canada some of which she had not seen since she was a little girl

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Reaching 2 1/2 years of being cancer free

9. What was your biggest failure?
putting so much burden on Keith

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing new that wasn't there before

11. What was the best thing you bought?
well we didn't actually buy it but we got a new car from one of our neighbours!! And just because I am so special :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my granddaughter Senthia who started grade ELEVEN!!!!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
an RCMP officer who decided to insist that I was driving inebriated a couple of weeks back and made me take a breathalyzer test not once but twice!

14. Where did most of your money go?
what money?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the birth of our new grandson!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Today I'm Going To Change The World by Johnny Reid

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
gotten on my knees, listened, not insisted that my point of view was the only correct one

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
judge

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Nope, I was already in love.

21. What was your favorite TV program?
Survivor, Amazing Race, CSI's

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No Comment, hate is a bad word, and I would just as soon work on that one privately

23. What was the best book you read?
uhmmm my mind is blank right now but I have Diana Gabaldon's new book as well as Tom Clancy's Dead or Alive sitting on my book shelf calling me so loud it is giving me a headache.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I could listen to music that wasn't country

25. What did you want and get?
finish the year cancer free

26. What did you want and not get?
to get off my medications

27. What was your favourite film of this year?
Extraordinary Measures

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
we went camping as a family and I am 54

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if our extended family had come out to visit us

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
same as always, comfy casual

31. What kept you sane?
Keith

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmmm can't think of anyone

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
HST!!!

34. Who did you miss?
my children/grandchildren in Alberta

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Janet C.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
That I can delegate and still live

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD
GONNA TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME
I'VE MADE MY RESOLUTION
I'VE OPENED UP MY EYES
TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD

I'M GONNA SAY HELLO TO MY NEIGHBOR
GREET HIM WITH A SMILE
SHAKE THE HAND OF A STRANGER
SIT AND TALK FOR A WHILE
TELL SOMEONE I LOVE THEM
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD

(REPEAT CHORUS)

GONNA MAKE SURE MY CHILDREN
KNOW THERE'S A RIGHT AND WRONG
I'LL NEVER TURN MY BACK
ON THOSE OF US WHO NEED SOMEONE
I'M GONNA TRY TO SEE MYSELF
THROUGH ANOTHER'S EYES
TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD

(REPEAT CHORUS)

TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD
TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD
NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THOSE I'LL LEAVE BEHIND
I'VE MADE MY RESOLUTION
CHANGE IT ONE DAY AT TIME
TODAY I'M GONNA TRY AND CHANGE THE WORLD

2011 Resolution

Last year I had decided I would be more patient with others.. that was it... man it has been a hard year but I hoped I did at least attain a small part of that. I have been thinking hard for the last month on what I wanted for this year that did not start with the letter P and finally I came across it without a shadow of a doubt. I am going to let go to the little things, I'm going to try and not be such a perfectionist (egads another P word)and I am going to try and change the world by changing me..stay tuned so you can keep track of how I am doing by the end of December. I should have asked one of my readers to keep track through my posts this year and grade me on how I did with keeping my patience???
thanks Johnny for the inspiration!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2ACmJPhz3Q

Happy New Year Everyone!