Back at the Helm

Hi Everybody

Bet you guys all thought I had died and gone to Heaven huh? I haven't been online other then a line here or there as it is still quite painful to move my arms up any height. You know my head knows I did the right decision of having the double mastectomies but let me tell you, if I had to do it again knowing how much pain I would have, I would have thought twice. We all have said in the course of our lives, "I've been to hell and back" or "I had a day from hell". Now I have never personally been to hell nor do I plan on ever going there but I can honestly say it FEELS like I have been to hell and back. Unbelievable pain like nothing I have ever encountered in my life. And I have had to deal with it on a daily basis for years. Shaking head. The things you take for granted like reaching up to shampoo your head or lifting your arm to brush your teeth feels like someone is holding a blow torch to your chest. They took the draining tubes out of both sides last week and that took 45 minutes it was so painful. I am the type of person that has to be in control of my everything. You don't see me cry or lose control etc. That was as close to screaming out loud as I have ever gotten. I am surprised my daughter's fingers were not broken as I had been squeezing them so hard. Sorry Lareta. What a sweetheart! She said it was ok that it was payback for all the times she squeezed my fingers numb when she was in labour.

I saw my surgeon last week and she said I have a triple whammy, first the mastectomy itself, they had to cut the muscles on TOP of the chest wall to remove the breasts. secondly, they had to cut the muscles UNDER the chest wall to put the tissue expander in, thirdly because of the Fibromyalgia, the muscles that are remaining are screaming their heads off due to the cutting. It never ends. On the positive side, the surgeons say the incisions themselves look perfect, no redness, no spreading just very thin lines that will barely leave a scar when this is over with. But I want that today. I want this to be desperately over. I get these swelling pockets for lack of a better word that fill with fluid all over my chest and down my sides. Then every now and then I will literally feel a pop, get a searing burning pain for a few more hours and then that will subside. I have found out that is normal and that is just the muscles being pulled from the scar tissue forming which is why I have to be diligent with my exercises so they won't continue.

But that is enough whining. The women from my church have been phenomenal!! 2 weeks worth of meals was wonderful. And Friday 2 of them came over to do vacuuming and bathrooms. Now you might think how wonderful that is but I never let people come clean my house. That's my job and if it wasn't for the fact that my head was in the puke bucket the whole time they were here I would have made a more valiant effort to object.

There have been many many times these past 3 weeks that I have been thankful I don't drink alcohol. I swear I would have been hitting those bottles just to numb this. I have had enough of this. I haven't even been able to get any of the saline injections yet as my skin quote and unquote "is way too hypersensitive to touch it right now". No DUH!! what was supposed to be a 2 month deal is now going to be 4-5 months before I finish healing because of the FM and everything else going on.

BUT!!!!!! Pathology came back and it is a clean bill of health!!! No new cancer YEAAA Well my armpits are killing me so I will sign off here. For those of you that have emailed me and sent me e-cards and regular cards and flowers I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every email has been printed and everything has gone into a "Positive Book" that I go through during mu dark hours. This shall pass as all things in life. But just not today.