Thursday, January 01, 2015

Happy New Year and Letting it Go!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!! Man it has been such a long time since I have been on here..,,,, that's what you get for having Facebook :). It has been a roller coaster of a year so many bad things happened in our family! 4 deaths starting with my godfather who was one of my uncles, my older brother, a month later my stepfather then a couple of months later one of my nephews. Add to that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers and had to move her from her house to a city into an apartment... everything was changing so fast for her and it pushed her into irrational thinking and a lot of emotional upheaval.

I went from being able to speak to my mom every 2-3 days to now I go a couple of weeks with no contact. This 2 hour zone time difference really hurts.. We would always talk for over an hour just chit chatting about everything and nothing and a couple hours later talk some more. Now when I do connect with her I am lucky if I can get a 10 minute conversation. My brain tells me it is all part of Alzheimer but my heart just grieves on top of all the grief it has had to already deal with this year.

I stopped making new year resolutions years ago usually just trying to better myself into being a better person. But this year I am going to do things differently. Having a lot of young grandchildren we have watched the movie Frozen numerous times this past year. I have loved watching them do the dance moves to the songs and sing them even the littlest ones who just say GOOOO and stamp their foot. Even when we opened our Christmas presents on the 20th at our oldest son's home Elsa made an appearance and it was priceless to watch the faces of the little kids!! I would have liked to have seen my face!

And so this past week while we were in Alberta at our other son's home I thought of that song and how it "clicked" that was what I was going to try and live my life by this coming letting things go....

"Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know"

I will let go of the feelings of always having to be in control and not letting anyone see (other than a VERY VERY few) the real me, the me that hurts, that suffers

"My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!"

I am going to let go of the grief that has been holding me prisoner for a long time. I will never be able to bring them back. They would not want me or anyone else feeling like this. I will let it go. I will remember the good parts of their lives that I shared with them. I will laugh at the memories and smile at the silliness of things we did. I will still miss them But I need to let it go. By being so wrapped up in it, I have let my sisters in law and other brother down by not being more involved with helping them with their grief. I was being so selfish.But no more. I will miss them all very much but will let go of the grief.

"Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!"

I will let go of the need to be perfect all the my personal life, in my career, in my projects etc.. all of it.. I don't need to be perfect in any aspect of my life. Too much energy and focus has been spent trying to always be perfect. It has affected my body and my health greatly.

" The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen."

Having a snowfall makes everything white outside before cars and people traipse all over. I see this as a rebirth.. a newness where I can start over.

I am so thankful for the years I have spent with my family. The good parts and the not so good parts; for everything we have shared for every chance we had to grow; I will take the best of them with me and take them wherever I go; Keith told me to always be honest so here it goes. This isn't what I want but I will take the high road..maybe it is because I always look at things as lessons, or because I don't want to walk around angry anymore or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things that have happened that we did not want to have happened  but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. And people we can't live without but have to let go.

It will be a very difficult year working on letting it go.. it has been my security blanket for many years; but I will continue to take baby steps each and every day. May 2015 be YLUR year to be the person YOU want it to be. May all wishes come true and dreams come alive

Let it go!!